The Cycle
By Catie Prendergast
Vivienne and her boyfriend, Chris, are amid swaying, velvety water, rowing a boat. They’re dipping and circling their paddles, their pace in sync. Chris pauses for a moment, and Viv follows his lead. He kisses her on the cheek. She weaves her fingers through his.
“I love you,” Chris tells her.
“Love you, too,” Viv replies.
“I can’t wait to live together,” he says.
“Same.”
They proceed onwards. Viv describes her new favorite patient at the hospital, a woman in her late sixties, with a fatal type and stage of cancer. There’s a slight but significant light in her eyes, like the sun seconds before it sets, her skin has maintained its glimmer from a decade before, and her optimism is infectious. She’s an ocean apart from her diagnosis, and Viv is in awe.
She asks Chris about his new job as a youth sports coach at an elementary school. There are fewer resources than he realized, and some of the parents have been complaining about things that are out of his control. One kid has been incredibly difficult, with intense reactions that Chris is struggling to manage.
They segue into the apartments they are scheduled to see, what furniture they need to buy, which neighborhoods they prefer. As the relief of land becomes more of a possibility, Chris’ movement slows. He grows quiet. He gazes at one cloud in the otherwise spotless sky.
“Are you sure we’re ready for this?” he cautions.
Viv’s spirit starts to sink. Chris was the one who first brought up taking this next step, and they have been discussing it for months.
“Yes, we are,” Viv says, her voice disintegrating into sand.
A frost is forming around him. He’s both right there next to her, and as distant as the horizon.
“Lately, you haven’t made me happy,” he says.
Viv blinks off tears.
“You’ve also been sad a lot since your mom died. You’re dragging me down.”
Her heart is drowning.
“I’m just being honest.”
There’s a vibration of thunder, and a rush of wind. Viv suddenly feels herself falling backwards, into the bitter mass. She kicks her legs and swings her arms, and she emerges. She inhales, thankful for the air. She tries to get closer to Chris and the boat, but she can’t quite reach them.
Chris is still and stoic. He watches her tread.
“I need a break from you. I need time to think,” he concludes.
“Okay,” Viv submits.
The rain is released, the sky crying for her. She considers channeling her strength and swimming to the shore herself. Even though she knows she would make it, she’s terrified of leaving Chris, and of an uncharted life alone.
Chris can be sweet, that’s why she fell for him. And she believes that their relationship will get better, that’s why she’s stayed with him. But Chris is also an iceberg. There’s the endearing part of him that others see, and then there’s the rest of him, the sides that only Viv experiences, the ones that hurt. She’s hidden a lot of what he’s said and done from her friends. She’s convinced herself that if she keeps up the façade, reality will soon reflect her dreams.
She brings her nose to the surface and exhales, making little bubbles. She observes her pruning hands. She tilts her head back. She tests how long she can float for.
When her energy has almost completely depleted, Chris extends his hand. She grasps it immediately. He pulls her into the boat and wraps her in a blanket. She is shivering. She touches her forehead, tender from waves of emotions.
“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” he gushes, holding her. “I didn’t mean anything I said. I’ve been so stressed at work. I shouldn’t take that out on you. Please, please forgive me.”
His clear, deep pain is distracting her from her own.
“I do want to move in with you. And I know you’ll get through your grief. I want to help. I love you.”
Viv nods. She returns the hug. Like salt in the sea, she cannot remove his stinging words, but she desperately wants to forget them.
“You have to stop doing this,” she says.
“I know,” he promises.
The downpour retreats. The greyness above subsides. They resume rowing.
Not long later, he pushes her away again. This is the cycle that Viv is in. She could escape, but she continues to remain by his side, wishing and waiting for a miraculous change.
THE END
Author Bio: Catie Prendergast is a writer and editor from NYC. Her fiction has been published in print in PANK Magazine and HOOT Review.